Master Of The House

My band of soaks my den of dissolute's My dirty jokes my always pissed as newts My sons of whores spend there lives in my inn Homing pigeons homing in They fly through my doors And their crown out on the floor Welcome Monsieur sit yourself down And meet the best innkeeper in town As for the rest all of 'em crooks Rooking their guests and crooking the books Seldom do you see Honest men like me A gent of good intent Who's content to be Master of the house doling out the charm Ready with a handshake and an open palm Tells a saucy tale makes a little stir Customers appreciate a bon viveur Glad to do a friend a favor Doesn't cost me to be nice But nothing gets you nothing Everything has got a little price Master of the house keeper of the zoo Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two Watering the wine making up the weight Pickin' up their knick knacks when they can't see straight Everybody loves a landlord Everybody's bosom friend I do whatever pleases Jesus Won't I bleed 'em in the end Master of the house quick to catch yer eye Never wants a passerby to pass him by Servant to the poor butler to the great Comforter philosopher and lifelong mate Everybody's boon companion Everybody's chaperone But lock up your valises Jesus Won't I skin you to the bone Food beyond compare Food beyond belief Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef Kidney of a horse liver of a cat Filling up the sausages with this and that Residents are more than welcome Bridal suite is occupied Reasonable charges Plus some little extras on the side Charge 'em for the lice extra for the mice Two percent for looking in the mirror twice Here a little slice there a little cut Three percent for sleeping with the window shut When it comes to fixing prices There are a lot of tricks he knows How it all increases all them bits and pieces Jesus It's amazing how it grows I used to dream that I would meet a prince But God Almighty have you seen what's happened since Master of the house Isn't worth me spit Comforter philosopher and lifelong shit Cunning little brain regular Voltaire Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house Master of the house Master and a half Comforter philosopher Ah don't make me laugh Servant to the poor butler to the great Hypocrite and toady and inebriate Everybody bless the landlord Everybody bless his spouse Everybody raise a glass Raise it up the master's arse Everybody raise a glass Raise it up the master's arse