Poor Fool, He Makes Me Laugh

FIRMIN 'Mystery after gala night,' it says, 'Mystery of soprano's flight!' 'Mystified, baffled Sûreté say, we are mystified - we suspect foul play!' (He lowers the paper) Bad news on soprano scene - first Carlotta, now Christine! Still, at least the seats get sold - gossip's worth its weight in gold... What a way to run a business! Spare me these unending trials! Half your cast disappears, but the crowd still cheers! Opera! To hell with Gluck and Handel - It's a scandal that'll pack'em in the aisles! (ANDRÉ bursts in, in a temper) ANDRÉ Damnable! Will they all walk out? This is damnable! FIRMIN André, please don't shout... It's publicity! And the take is vast! Free publicity! ANDRÉ But we have no cast... FIRMIN (calmly) But André, have you seen the queue? (He has been sorting mail on his desk: finding the two letters from the PHANTOM): Oh, it seems you've got one too... (He hands the letter to ANDRÉ who opens it and reads): ANDRÉ 'Dear André what a charming gala! Christine enjoyed a great success! We were hardly bereft when Carlotta left - otherwise, the chorus was entrancing, but the dancing was a lamentable mess!' FIRMIN (reading his) 'Dear Firmin, just a brief reminder: my salary has not been paid. Send it care of the ghost, by return of post - P.T.O.: No-one likes a debtor, so it's better if my orders are obeyed!' FIRMIN/ANDRÉ Who would have the gall to send this? Someone with a puerile brain! FIRMIN (examining both letters) These are both signed 'O.G.'... ANDRÉ Who the hell is he? BOTH (immediately realising) Opera Ghost! FIRMIN (Unamused) It's really not amusing! ANDRÉ He's abusing our position! FIRMIN In addition he wants money! ANDRÉ He's a funny sort of spectre... BOTH ...to expect a large retainer! Nothing plainer - he is clearly quite insane! (They are interrupted by the arrival of RAOUL, who brandishes another of the PHANTOM's notes) RAOUL Where is she? ANDRÉ You mean Carlotta? RAOUL I Mean Miss Daaé - where is she? FIRMIN Well, how should we know? RAOUL I want an answer - I take it that you sent me this note? FIRMIN What's all this nonsense? ANDRÉ Of course not! FIRMIN Don't look at us! RAOUL She's not with you, then? FIRMIN Of course not! ANDRÉ We're in the dark... RAOUL Monsieur, don't argue - Isn't this the letter you wrote? FIRMIN And what is it that we're meant to have wrote? (Realising his mistake) Written! (RAOUL hands the note to ANDRÉ, who reads it) ANDRÉ 'Do not fear for Miss Daaé. The Angel of Music has her under his wing. Make no attempt to see her again.' (The MANAGERS look mystified) RAOUL If you didn't write it, who did? (CARLOTTA bursts in. She too has a letter, which has cheered her no more than the others) CARLOTTA Where is he? ANDRÉ Ah, welcome back! CARLOTTA Your precious patron - where is he? RAOUL What is it now? CARLOTTA (to RAOUL) I have your letter - a letter which I rather resent! FIRMIN (to RAOUL) And did you send it? RAOUL Of course not! ANDRÉ As if he would! CARLOTTA You didn't send it? RAOUL Of course not! FIRMIN What's going on...? CARLOTTA (to RAOUL) You dare to tell me that this is not the letter you sent?! RAOUL And what is it that I'm meant to have sent? (RAOUL takes the letter and reads it) 'Your days at the Opéra Populaire are numbered. Christine Daaé will be singing on your behalf tonight. Be prepared for a great misfortune, should you attempt to take her place.' (The MANAGERS are beginning to tire of the intrigue) ANDRÉ/FIRMIN Far too many notes for my taste - and most of them about Christine! All we've heard since we came is Miss Daaé's name... (GIRY suddenly appears, accompanied by MEG) GIRY Miss Daaé has returned. FIRMIN (dryly) I trust her midnight oil is well and truly burned. ANDRÉ Where precisely is she now? GIRY I thought it best that she went home... MEG She needed rest. RAOUL May I see her? GIRY No, Monsieur, she will see no-one. CARLOTTA Will she sing? Will she sing? GIRY Here, I have a note... RAOUL/CARLOTTA/ANDRÉ Let me see it! FIRMIN (snatching it) Please! FIRMIN (opens the letter and reads. The PHANTOM's voice gradually takes over) Gentlemen, I have now sent you several notes of the most amiable nature, detailing how my theatre is to be run. You have not followed my instructions. I shall give you one last chance...' PHANTOM'S VOICE (taking over) Christine Daaé has returned to you, and I am anxious her career should progress. In the new production of 'Il Muto', you will therefore cast Carlotta as the Pageboy, and put Miss Daaé in the rôle of Countess. The rôle which Miss Daaé plays calls for charm and appeal. The rôle of the Pageboy is silent - which makes my casting, in a word, ideal. I shall watch the performance from my normal seat in Box Five, which will be kept empty for me. Should these commands be ignored, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur. FIRMIN (taking over) 'I remain, gentlemen, Your obedient servant, O.G.' CARLOTTA Christine! ANDRÉ Whatever next...? CARLOTTA It's all a ploy to help Christine! FIRMIN This is insane... CARLOTTA I know who sent this: (Pointing an accusing finger) The Vicomte - her lover! RAOUL (ironical) Indeed? (To the others) Can you believe this? ANDRÉ (to CARLOTTA, in protest) Signora! CARLOTTA (half to the MANAGERS, half to herself) O traditori! FIRMIN (to CARLOTTA) This is a joke! ANDRÉ This changes nothing! CARLOTTA O mentitori! FIRMIN Signora! ANDRÉ You are our star! FIRMIN And always will be! ANDRÉ Signora... FIRMIN The man is mad! ANDRÉ We don't take orders! FIRMIN (announcing it to everyone) Miss Daaé will be playing the Pageboy - the silent rôle... ANDRÉ/FIRMIN Carlotta will be playing the lead! CARLOTTA (waxing melodramatic) It's useless trying to appease me! You're only saying this to please me! Signori, è vero? Non, non, non voglio udire! Lasciatemi morire! O padre mio! Dio! GIRY Who scorn his word, beware to those... CARLOTTA (to MANAGERS) You have reviled me! GIRY The angel sees, the angel knows... RAOUL Why did Christine fly from my arms...? CARLOTTA You have rebuked me! ANDRÉ/FIRMIN Signora, pardon us... CARLOTTA You have replaced me! ANDRÉ/FIRMIN Please, Signora, we beseech you... GIRY This hour shall see your darkest fears... MEG/RAOUL I must see her... CARLOTTA Abbandonata! Deseredata! O, sventurata! GIRY The angel knows, the angel hears... RAOUL Where did she go...? CARLOTTA Abbandonata! Disgraziata! ANDRÉ/FIRMIN Signora, sing for us! Don't be a martyr... RAOUL/GIRY/MEG What new surprises lie in store...? (ALL look at CARLOTTA as the MANAGERS approach her lovingly) ANDRÉ Your public need you! FIRMIN We need you, too! CARLOTTA (unassuaged) Would you not rather have your precious little ingénue? ANDRÉ/FIRMIN Signora, no! The world wants you! (The MANAGERS adopt their most persuasive attitudes) ANDRÉ/FIRMIN Prima donna, first lady of the stage! Your devotees are on their knees to implore you! ANDRÉ Can you bow out when they're shouting your name? FIRMIN Think of how they all adore you! BOTH Prima donna, enchant us once again! ANDRÉ Think of your muse... FIRMIN And of the queues round the theatre! BOTH Can you deny us the triumph in store? Sing, prima donna, once more! (CARLOTTA registers her acceptance, as the MANAGERS continue to cajole and the others reflect variously on the situation) RAOUL Christine spoke of an angel... CARLOTTA (to herself in triumph) Prima donna, your song shall live again! ANDRÉ/FIRMIN (to CARLOTTA) Think of your public! CARLOTTA You took a snub, but there's a public who needs you! GIRY (referring to CHRISTINE) She has heard the voice of the Angel of Music... ANDRÉ/FIRMIN (to CARLOTTA) Those who hear your voice liken you to an angel! CARLOTTA Think of their cry of undying support! RAOUL Is this her Angel of Music...? ANDRÉ (to FIRMIN) We get our opera... FIRMIN (to ANDRÉ) She gets her limelight! CARLOTTA Follow where the limelight leads you! MEG Is this ghost an angel or a madman...? RAOUL Angel or madman...? ANDRÉ/FIRMIN (aside) Leading ladies are a trial! CARLOTTA Prima donna, your song shall never die! MEG Voice of hell, or of heaven...? GIRY Heaven help you those who doubt... CARLOTTA You'll sing again, and to unending ovation! RAOUL Orders! Warnings! Lunatic demands! GIRY This miscasting will invite damnation... ANDRÉ/FIRMIN Tears... oaths... lunatic demands are regular occurrences! MEG Bliss or damnation? Which has claimed her...? CARLOTTA Think how you'll shine in that final encore! Sing, prima donna, once more! GIRY Oh fools, to have flouted his warnings! RAOUL Surely, for her sake... MEG Surely he'll strike back... ANDRÉ/FIRMIN Surely there'll be further scenes - worse than this! GIRY Think, before these demands are rejected! RAOUL ...I must see these and demands are rejected! MEG ...If his threats and demands are rejected! ANDRÉ/FIRMIN Who'd believe a diva happy to relieve a chorus girl, who's gone and slept with the patron? Raoul and the soubrette, entwined in love's duet! Although he may demur, he must have been with her! MEG/RAOUL Christine must be protected! CARLOTTA O, fortunata! Non ancor abbandonata! ANDRÉ/FIRMIN You'd never get away with all this in a play, but if it's loudly sung and in a foreign tongue, It's just the sort of story audiences adore, in fact a perfect opera! RAOUL His game is over! GIRY This is a game you cannot hope to win! RAOUL And in Box Five a new game will begin... GIRY For, if his curse is on this opera... MEG But if his curse is on this opera... ANDRÉ/FIRMIN Prima donna, the world is at your feet! A nation waits, and how it hates to be cheated! CARLOTTA The stress that falls upon a famous prima donna! Terrible diseases, coughs and colds and sneezes! Still, the driest throat will reach the highest note, in search of perfect opera! MEG/GIRY ...then I fear the outcome... RAOUL Christine plays the Pageboy, Carlotta plays the Countess... GIRY ...should you dare to... MEG ...when you once again... ALL Light up the stage with that age-old rapport! Sing, prima donna, once more! PHANTOM'S VOICE So, it is to be war between us! If these demands are not met, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur! ALL Once more! SCENE NINE A PERFORMANCE OF 'ILL MUTO' BY ALBRIZZIO (During the Overture RAOUL, ANDRÉ and FIRMIN take their respective seats - RAOUL in Box Five, the MANAGERS in a box opposite) RAOUL Gentlemen, if you would care to take your seats? I shall be sitting in Box Five. ANDRÉ Do you really think that's wise, Monsieur? RAOUL My dear André, there would appear to be no seats available, other than Box Five. (The front cloth rises to reveal an 18th century salon, a canopied bed centre-stage. The COUNTESS is played by CARLOTTA, SERAFIMO, the page boy, is disguised as her maid and is played by CHRISTINE. At this point they are hidden behind the drapes of the bed, which are drawn. In the room are TWO EPICENE men: one a HAIRDRESSER and one a JEWELLER. The JEWELLER is attended by MEG. There is also an OLDER WOMAN, the COUNTESS' confidante. All apart from MEG are gossiping with relish about the COUNTESS' current liaison with SERAFIMO) COUNTESS (CARLOTTA) Serafimo - away with this pretence (she rips off SERAFIMO's skirt to reveal his manly breeches) You cannot speak but kiss me in my husband's absence!